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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?