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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late