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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one