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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!