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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.