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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!