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I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."