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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.