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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."