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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.