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I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.