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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.