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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.