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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.