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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.