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I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"