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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.