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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.