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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like