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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.