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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic