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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
My whole life is based on a true story...
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...