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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.