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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.