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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.