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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.