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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.