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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.