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"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"