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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice