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Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”