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Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"