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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.