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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?