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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.