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I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I give myself the best presents.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted