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I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Relationship Status: eating
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...