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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.