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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.