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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...