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Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?