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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.