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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me