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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.