Daily Silly Status

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.

I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man

Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

Marriage. When dating goes too far.

I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"

Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!

I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.

Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven

What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.