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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!