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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.