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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.