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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.