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My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Does "who cares" count as advice?
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?