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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Don`t waste my timeline.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.