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It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.