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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!