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Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"