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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out βthe rapistβ Sincerely, not lying down.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longerβ¦β¦β¦the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deepβ¦. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Hey sorry Iβm late, I didnβt want to come.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Admit it, weβve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
I donβt know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you theyβd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.