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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.