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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?