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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.