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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them