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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".