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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.