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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.