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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.