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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.