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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
Iām not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.