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I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I drink because people talk.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
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If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.