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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook