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Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.