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I wish my mind had a delete button.
"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
take me drunk i`m home
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.