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You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?