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It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!