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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.