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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.