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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?