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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.