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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Does this status update make me look fat?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?