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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.