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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.