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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…