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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Lol at birds that walk places.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.