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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.