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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”