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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P