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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.