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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.