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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
life is too short to match socks
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.