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Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.