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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!