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I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?