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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
I do everything faster when I have to pee.