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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted