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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.