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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?