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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.