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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.