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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.