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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.