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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing