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"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.