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Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.