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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.