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If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.