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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.