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Vodka is just amazing water.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!