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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.