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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.