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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!