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All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.