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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.