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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.