Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Save water- shower with me!
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.